In Which a Writer Goes Insane
by LittleTroublemaker
Summary: An overweight Beckett, Castle has a French mustache, and Ryan and Esposito are the same person. Warning! Will make your eyes bleed.


"Castle, get yer ass ova here!" a heavy-set brunette called in a severe stereotypical accent. Her hair was greasy and dark, and she smelled faintly of rotting milk and stinky cheese. Her eyebrows were non-existent, hid by the medical mystery of forehead fat. The robust bottom on the beast resembled a sideways mountain. Richard Castle was never more turned on in his life.

"Coming, love of my sassy-bad-boy life!" He sang in a nasally, poetic singsong voice. Skipping over to his love, he twirled his French mustache and knocked over several crime scene investigators. ("Watch it dumbass!" a particularly sour-faced average Joe yelled.) He promptly landed next to her, his doe eyes pouring out metaphorical pink hearts and cupids. Her sexiness was awe-inspiring and he started to sniffle. _Dammit, not again!_

Grumbling something about hard hearts and sissies, Detective Kate Beckett waddled over to their victim. "This here is a body. Of a dead person." She burped for effect, eying Castle for some tears. She was disappointed to find him on his pocket typewriter clicking away at the keys. Hoping to distract him from what would soon be his thirty second love letter, she added, "She was eaten alive from the inside out. By cockroaches." He didn't move.

Sighing, she swept her eyes briefly over the dead Mary Sue who would only serve as a plot device for the story. Sad really, her case was spectacular and her nails had been freshly painted. _What a waste of money,_ Beckett tutted. As she looked over at Castle she felt her "womanly parts" begin the "melt." His hair, his eyes, his French mustache! Damn, how ruggedly handsome he was! If he weren't typing away at his newest creation, she would jump him in a heart beat. Then she remembered that the point of the show would be over, and why would she want less money anyway? _Wait, what show?_

Ryesposito then took the pleasure to show up. Dismissing her thoughts of confusing weirdness, she fanned herself and asked "Where's my burrito?"

The Ryan (or Espisito?) half answered, "Right here, boss!" He then pulled out the gargantuan and overloaded special burrito (only $9.99 at the local Taco Bell!). Beckett snatched it out of his hand and swallowed it whole. She then eyed them suspiciously, as they stood silently. Her frown deepened as the silence continued. They were forgetting something.

Ryesposito started to perspire. They quibbled with themselves in their mind, because they have freaky Vulcan mind meld powers. After glancing to Castle for some bro help and a blast of rugged handsomeness, they caved. In perfect unison they screamed, "We forgot the other taco!" Kate growled and fired them.

Sitting down in obvious emotional turmoil (_Hey!_ the dead body thought,_ you still need to be able to peel me off the floor! I have family to ya know! _She longingly thought of her puppy Rick. Named after her favorite writer. Who is so handsome!), Beckett sobbed for Castle. He willingly obliged and tried to sit next to her.

"Hey Kate! Girl problems are ok, my obvious advice is here to help!" Lanie, ME, cried as she burst through the doors. Castle typed a quick sad ending as he walked away, obviously overwhelmed by the estrogen in the room. He got in his limo and demanded his driver take him home.

As he arrived, his mother's radar immediately honed in on him. "Darling! What's wrong? Do you need some milk from Mommy-poo?" She was dressed as a maid, obviously just done from a rendition of _Top Gun,_ which she starred in as Tom Cruise. Twice.

"Yes, Mommy!" Castle cried like a baby. Martha picked him up and put him in his oversized crib ($120.35 on Ebay!). Martha got a bottle and started to feed him milk, while reciting Hamlet. Finally, he started to calm down as he cuddled a jacket Beckett touched once. It meant she truly loved him. Martha finally sat down and started to doze also, when the noise of the front door opening startled her.

"Dad? Grandma? I just saw Kate doing the most disturbing thing with a sandwich. Has she gained weight?"

"Alexis?" Castle asked, sitting up and abandoning his pink crib.

"Who else?" she answered, smiling slightly, her back towards him.

Castle smoothed his hair. "How was the party?" She had been gone for several hours.

"About that..." she slowly said, starting to turn around. Castle's eyes bugged out of his head, and he felt his eyes start to tear up and burn at the same time.

"I'm pregnant."

All hell broke loose.


End file.
